Praise to the Stone

Posted August 6th, 2015

Matt, Kristin, and Jake sing their praise to the world’s bestest magic seer stone. Thanks to Andrew Ainsworth for the lyrics.

New LDS Hymn: Praise to the Stone
VERSE 1
Praise to the stone that was found by the Prophet!
For treasure seeking it first was employed
Though to the buried loot it never did lead him
The stone aided Joseph in a greater ploy

CHORUS:
Hail to the seer stone that glowed like a Lite Brite!
Wizards and Hobbitses, now seek it in vain!
Magically guiding the Prophet’s dictation
Released from the vault now enjoys worldly fame

VERSE 2
Praise to the stone that made the gold plates superfluous!
No record needed, the words just appeared
Nephi and Mormon their labors were wasted
The stone bore their words when Joseph into it peered
(CHORUS)

VERSE 3
Praise to the stone in the hat of our Seer!
Rock-solid proof that folk magic is real
Scrying we now know is pow’red by the Priesthood
True version of Saruman’s Palantir
(CHORUS)

VERSE 4
Praise to the stone chocolate-colored and egg-shaped!
Who now can deny Brother Joseph’s great claims?
How could our Prophet make up such a story?
God wants our faith not the use of our brains
(CHORUS)

Jake

Matt

  • Dave

    Five Stone rating!!!

  • Lance

    Please do a smack down on this. I can usually keep my cool with most subjects (as a closeted Ex-Mormon). However, yesterday i lost it for some reason over this stone. Something that i used to consider Anti-Mormon and Taboo has just become acceptable. I shared a link on FB from the Salt lake tribune with the caption “they didn’t teach us this in preach my Gospel.” With no response for a few hours I commented on the link “Am I the only one that thinks it’s troubling that South Park was was telling a more accurate narrative of the “translation” of the Book of Mormon than the one I was given as a missionary?” What was most frustrating is the personal attacks that i received questioning my worthiness and activity. one of my old mission friends justified the stone and the hat saying “He looked into the hat to block out light. The Book of Mormon tells of God preparing “a stone, which shall shine forth in darkness unto light.” to me it speaks volumes of to the fact that the BOM is a fiction created by Joseph Smith, Thoughts,?

    • Malachi

      Maybe they’ll just start playing the South Park episode in Seminary and Institute? I might go back for that!

      • Lance

        Prophet of the Restoration < South Park.

    • Lance
    • Caligurl2012

      Lance, you aren’t the only one that lost their cool over this. I am still pissed and have been very vocal to my TBM husband and my less than TBM sister-in-law. I’m not holding back any longer. Dawn

    • Orrin Dayne

      I don’t think the stone/hat method speaks volumes that the BOM is a fiction any more than the Urim & Thummin spectacles, which was taught, did. I think the Church realized this and figured publishing the pictures and writing its own narrative in the Ensign was a good way to prevent people from being outraged at being deceived. When you discover it yourself, you feel like you were deceived. But when you see the Church shining a light on it, you can conclude it isn’t a big deal. The cover up is always worse, as they say, and the Church finally got rid of the risk of the cover up.

  • Orrin Dayne

    Praise to the stone that made the gold plates superfluous

    I never liked this criticism because it only works if you assume that magic doesn’t exist. If you assume magic *does* exist (as most TBMs do), then the plates were still needed as the medium upon which the information was stored, much like one looks at the screen of their iPhone and not the illegible ones and zeros in its memory. If you want to engage TBMs on this, it just doesn’t work.

    What *might* work was pointing out the misleading depictions on lds.org, but now the church has remedied that aspect.

  • Does anyone remember the MythBusters episode with the lion dung? Never mind; I don’t want to remember that, either. But seriously folks, somebody needs to hop on the marketing potential here. Remember Pet Rocks? A couple of cubic yards of 2″ landscaping stone from Utah Sand & Gravel would cost you like what? $45, delivered? A couple hunnerd bucks for a used lapidary dilly from Craig’s list? JCPenny, of all people, have wool felt top hats for $56 (plastic party-favor-grade ones for $8.99/doz). You could set yourself up on the web as North American Scryer Supply, Inc. for less than a K-buck, I’ll bet. In a few short weeks you and your customers could be foreseeing the outcome of Republican primary debates.

  • Opens Jars

    YES!!!!!! Oh man. Loved it. Kristin, Matt, and Jake made magic today. Jake’s Gollum– tears in my eyes! I think Gollum needs to appear more when smacking down magical aspects of Mormonism. Killer.

  • Mitch

    Please, please re-record with just Gollum singing. Mockery would be complete!

  • Scott Pot

    I can’t believe John Hamer allowed John Dehlin to seduce him on to the Mormon Stories podcast on this topic and betray the precious Infants. How do you say “cheater” in Latin? 😉

    • Glenn

      You’re seeing that the wrong way, Scott. We all have an open relationship with each other on Infants. No cheating at all. Just the joy of seduction over and over and over again.

      • Orrin Dayne

        Dehlin was careful to note that he’s had panels before, Hamer has been a guest many times before, that Hamer is on Infants, and that they weren’t going to do “a smack down.”

        We get it, Dehlin. You’re not copying Infants. We figured that out when Stephen Hawking wasn’t in the intro. Duh.

  • Tim
  • Chad

    Okay this was really really bad singing. But the lyrics are really funny.