Grudges Part 2

Interview

Posted October 6th, 2017

Tom talks with his wife about a grudge she held for a very long time with her sister, and how she deals with that today.

Tom

  • Maui

    In my case with two of my siblings, I no longer even consider them my family. Sharing the same blood doesn’t give siblings a pass to be abusive. For me it has been a lifetime of manipulation and mistreatment where their narcissistic bad behavior was, and still is, always excused away as someone else’s fault and they were the victims. My sister loves to use God for her excuses and blame. You can’t have rational discussions with people that live in la la loony land. Being the youngest, it took me almost forty years to realize the insanity that I was living in. I put up with a lot of mistreatment because I was taught to sweep things under the rug, avoid confrontation, and that the LDS church and family are more important than anything else. Lord knows….excuse me, the universe knows that religions teach the meek to be good subjects of abuse. Such as ( no, don’t set proper boundaries, turn the other cheek so that you can be struck again on the other side of your face. ) This is being a good person right? Fuck no it isn’t! It is a bull shit thing to teach. This taught me to be a very good door mat to not just two spoiled narcissistic brats but to anyone else.

    I do not want those two siblings to come to my funeral and I do not intend to go to theirs. Frankly, I believe the world would be a better place without both of them. I’m not against the idea that family is important. I’m against the notion that family is more important than boundaries and abuse.

    • windy_way8192

      I’m so glad you have rejected the lies you should accept abuse!

    • Tom Perry

      Oh wow. That is heartbreaking, but I’m really glad you put strong healthy protective boundaries up even at the cost of the relationship with your siblings. Thank you so much for sharing!

  • windy_way8192

    I still bring my believing teen son to the ward on Sundays, but not without difficulty. The man that assaulted my husband and tried to defame us to our leaders and lied to the police and issued death threats and harassed by teen daughter with his car is still there and is as narcissistic as ever. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, and I am not willing to send my son there without our protection. So, even if my disbelief in Mormonism were not an issue, the inability of the church or its refusal to deal with abusers appropriately can make it impossible for good people to participate: the antidote is to pray, forgive, be faithful. No. I will not pretend that a dangerous person is not dangerous. I will protect my family.

    • Tom Perry

      YES. Protecting your family is by far the most important thing to do. My heart breaks knowing that you and your family still have this person causing such a black cloud over your lives. I do hope that something will change so that this unnecessary stress will leave once and for all. Thanks for thoughts and sharing your story.

      • windy_way8192

        Thank you. Fortunately it is so much better now that he does not live nearby. This has been one of the most illuminating experiences of my life and most scary and painful, and all started because we agreed to help him. So there was all kinds of self doubt and second guessing and repenting and reparations on our part before we realised how dishonest he was. We had never been close to someone like that before. It was a nightmare. He also invoked God as on his side many times. Finally we learned that up really was up and put our foot down.

        I really feel like I can relate to people who dealt with Joseph Smith. The guy we dealt with has a family and children who he could present as a shield. No bishop wants to cut off aid to his wife or kids, and they don’t seem to understand that someone with such strong attachments with his family could be so evil to others. My illusions of any black and white thinking were totally shattered but gave way to a new system: healthy boundaries. In that, it’s not about “good” or “bad” people but acceptable or unacceptable behaviors. Once that distinction is made and nos are said, we don’t have to agonise over judging a person’s soul. We instead look at case by case action: he broke his promise so the contract is over, he yells at you so he can only write notes now to communicate, he is violent so no contact…or, with Joseph Smith, he abuses his power this disqualifies any authority he claims to have….
        Sorry for the book ….I get worked up when I see that guy’s face.